After some consideration, I increased my food budget from $135 to $145. I found we don’t need to go out to eat that often, so I took that extra money from my restaurant budget. (However, perhaps I’m being temporarily subsidized, because the last two weekends my parents have purchased me a rather delicious meal. They will be going back home in early June.) I think sticking to $135 (or even $125) would be entirely possible for me to do without too much struggle. I’ve seen grocery budgets as low as $80 (see lunch challenge)! So why am I increasing it?
I’m tired of asking T to contribute to my weekend dinners, even if it is “fair”. I asked for a contribution this week, and he obliged with a purchase of some snack food for us. I’m not much of a snacker, but I did enjoy the nachos, and there was leftover shredded cheese for me to use. It isn’t that we actually have fights about this, but we have these annoying conversations about who paid for what and when.
It is clear (in my mind) that I’m getting a worse deal. I eat one meal a week at his place (or as many as I want to drive to get) and it is usually spaghetti or frozen pizza (boy cooking!), and he eats at least four at my place, with at least one being something delicious (that he usually helps me make). Last weekend I even served crème brûlée for desert (surprisingly cheap and easy)! Then he’ll remind me that he bought this or that the week before, and I’ll concede. He doesn’t bring it up, but he knows that I make a certain amount of money, and he is on a stipend. My net worth increased by over $2k this month, his probably increased by, at most a couple hundred dollars. Maybe it didn’t increase at all. (Well, his stipend is quarterly, so who knows this exact month)
We don’t live together, so it isn’t quite as easy as just splitting things in half. I tend to buy better food for myself than he buys for himself, so I can’t expect him to spend a certain amount just because I feel like making spring-summer ziti and don’t want to pay for all the cheese involved. He’s content eating a plain sandwich for dinner, but I turn my nose up at that. If I want to cook something more expensive that is my choice. Not his. I just enjoy sharing it with him out of love. It really isn’t much fun to cook for only myself.
It isn’t about the money at all, but about my plan. If I brought it up with him and asked for a standard $20/mo to cover the food he eats, he would likely oblige. But would I really be more satisfied? Does it really matter? Do I really want to add a creepy banker like dynamic to the relationship? It just seems like this something I’d be better off just letting go. I tend to get wound up when things don’t go according to my plan (it is a fact, pf bloggers have control issues!), but if I simply plan to spend a little extra, everything will be smooth.
Budgeting isn’t supposed to make me stingy and cheap, it is supposed to give me freedom!
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May 1, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Little Miss Moneybags
Your net worth increased by $2,000 this month. You don’t need him to contribute money to your food budget, even if he “should”. Whereas he, on a stipend, might really not be able to contribute all that much.
Maybe you can find some non-monetary ways he can “compensate” for what you spend on food?
If my boyfriend kept a tally of who spent what and when the way you’re describing, I would be very uncomfortable and might end the relationship. It sounds like you’re weighing him as an asset or a liability, and no one wants to be judged and found wanting.
May 1, 2008 at 2:01 pm
StackingPennies
In the past we made equal amounts and split everything (roughly) in half and it worked fine. It made sense at the time. It might not make as much sense anymore, so we adjust.
It isn’t a asset/liability calculation, it is about balancing generosity with not being taken advantage of. I would feel uncomfortable if the situation was reversed as well. My net worth is increasing due to retirement savings, but I’m still on a very tight budget.
Problem: He is causing me to not be able to stick to my budget as I planned.
Solution: Increase the budget to accommodate and let it go.
I don’t really see an issue with that decision.
May 1, 2008 at 3:11 pm
El Cheapo
These are tough decisions, and admittedly I’ve been in a similar type of situation with my sweetie as well. She is over at my place much more often than the other way around (mainly because she lives at her parents place, I live in my own apartment). Though I make a bit more money than her from month to month, there is definitely a difference in disposable income that each of us can allocate toward food and eating out.
We try our best to keep a ‘rough tab’ of who pays for what when it comes to meals. I’m thankful though, because my sweetie often offers to pay for meals. Most of the time I wind up paying anyways, but its the thought that counts and I really do appreciate her offers to pay. In all honesty, its probably a 60/40 split but I tend to care less about it as time goes on and we spend more time together. It just doesn’t seem worth the trouble to continue my ‘cheapo’ ways with my sweetie.
I think you should definitely keep the communication lines open, no matter how small the issue though. I also think its okay to ‘let things go’ if you know that you’re going to be at peace about it. But definitely talk about it if you know its going to start eating away (pardon the pun) at you. Its really an interesting situation all around and I wish you luck with how you deal with it. Just make sure to share all the juicy details… !!
May 1, 2008 at 5:49 pm
quarterlifegirl
lol…boy cooking! (I know exactly what you mean!)
I’ve been on both ends of what you’re describing, so I’ve gotta hand it to you for taking the time to view things from his side! I think you’ll be fine though, you seem to have thought this through and hopefully it’ll work as a solution.
On another note, did you make the Creme Broulee yourself? Or was it pre-made? (If you made it, let me know what recipe you used!) I agree that cooking fancy stuff is no fun if you don’t have someone to show it off to! (It’s like a hole-in-one no one else witnessed…no one will ever believe it happened).
May 2, 2008 at 6:17 am
Lo. Price
That’s a tough situation. Obviously it has got to be tough to stick to a tight budget like your own, and nearly impossible when it regularly has to include feeding someone else (and from my experience, guys eat a lot; I know I do). It sounds like the best situation may be just “eating” (no pun intended) the loss, letting it go, and letting everyone be happier for it. As you said, you enjoy making nice food (better than he makes) and you enjoy sharing it with someone, so it is a little hard to charge him for eating it, considering you are fulfilling your own wants/desires and he is happy with cheap food. One possible solution might be to take him with you to the grocery and making a list of the food that you will both eat, then letting him buy 1/2 or some of the ingredients on that list. That way, he is contributing stuff to the meals and not just paying for them like he’s going to Applebees.
May 2, 2008 at 7:14 am
Bonnie
I’ve had similar issues with my boyfriend. We do tend to eat more at his place (definitely boy-food usually–frozen pizzas, etc.) and I’ve wondered if I should pitch in more. I do sometimes buy stuff to bring over to his place to cook. On the other hand he always wants to go out to eat and I find myself resenting having to pay for meals at times that I would have preferred that we stay at home and cook and save money. We tend to split the eating out–if he pays for dinner on Friday, say, then I might pay for lunch on Saturday. Our salaries are the same, though, which makes it a little different from your situation.
May 2, 2008 at 7:37 am
asgreen
Pf Bloggers do have control issues. My boyfriend and I take turns buying, however we also make almost exactly the same amount of money. In fact he makes slightly more because of the coaching he does. So it’s very fair to split things up that way. If my boyfriend made a lot less then me I think this would definitely change the dynamic. Regarding being cheap, I try to make it a point of not being frugal or cheap with my friends and boyfriend. I am however cheap with myself. I never want to be perceived as that friend who can’t take care of herself, or be nice to her friends.
May 4, 2008 at 9:14 am
Fabulously Broke
Umm honey.. if you don’t ask, then you are going to feel resentful, and he may feel like a leech.
BF always calculates the half of what I eat and I pay it.
It’s fair - because he can’t subsidize my food and it’s not fair. I can always refuse to eat something if it’s too expensive or whatever, and in that case, I wouldn’t pay half..
It’s not being cheap or banker-ish….
May 4, 2008 at 10:25 pm
StackingPennies
Hmm. Well if I do end up feeling resentful, then this topic will come up again. If he does feel like a leech, he’ll compensate in whatever way gives him peace of mind.
I’m not sure this solution will work, but I *think* it will, and I want it to, so I’ll give it a try. If not, lesson learned!