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Secret Lives of Women

July 9, 2008

I stole this title. Not only from the reality show on TLC, but from fellow blogger Chicky Finance. Well, I didn’t steal, I copied it to write about the very same topic she did.

I have been itching to tell T about this site for awhile, but I have been frozen, unable to take action. I sit beside him, and think, I should just show him. Do it now! But I didn’t. The words wouldn’t come out.

Finally, tonight, we were on the phone and I was able to blurt out, “I have something I need to tell you.” I immediately said it wasn’t bad, it wasn’t about him. He asked what it was about, and I couldn’t say it right way. It probably took a good 15 minutes to get it out.

Chicky advised to be sort of nonchalant about it. I couldn’t do that. I definitely made a big deal out of it, because it was a big deal to me. Everything I’ve ever written in my life has been a secret, private, locked up. I couldn’t be casual. I had to be neurotic, because, I guess that is me. (I don’t advise being neurotic about it, but if you have to, it does work).

T was patient, more patient than I may have been. It was really difficult for me, and I can not explain why. Finally, I confessed I had an anonymous blog on the internet. Then it was out there! I couldn’t take it back.

He asked if he could read it, I said maybe later, but not right now. He asked what it was about, and I didn’t tell him. He asked if people read it, I said yes. He asked how I knew, and I said they leave comments. He seemed surprised, and asked how many. I said not that many, it wasn’t popular or anything.

Anyway, there it is. It is out there, it seems to be ok. He did warn me that the government could read and monitor it, and use it against me (yeah, he thinks that). But sheesh, I’m not posting about my illegal activities up here, I obviously keep those totally confidential and off the web. (Note to government: That is a joke, I do not really have illegal activities, except maybe minor speeding here and there.)

Why now? A couple things have come up that would require some sort of elaborate lie if I wanted to keep it a secret. I may have kept this private, but I couldn’t flat out lie. The other reason is, when we move in together, when we take certain next steps in our relationship, I’d either have to quit or fess up. The most normal and sensible option seemed to just be open. So I did it.

Someday, I may be completely normal and sensible.

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. July 9, 2008 9:31 pm

    That’s a big step, and I know it takes a lot of courage! Even though my blog is brand-new, only one of my (very close) girlfriends know about it – and I have no desire to tell anyone else about it! Good for you πŸ™‚

  2. July 9, 2008 11:00 pm

    Stacking Pennies, I am so glad you told him! At least it is out there now. You might want to tell him what it is about so that he has a general idea. I know how you felt when the moment arrived, I felt the same way. Little guilty, nervous, and exciting. I was actually too excited or maybe I was covering my nervousness with excitement. Anyways, I am happy for you!

  3. July 10, 2008 5:32 am

    WOW! Good for you…I’m not ready to take that step yet, but who knows…maybe some day, lol. I let my neurosis burst out way too much in my blog for me to be comfortable with him (or anyone else I know) to be reading it, although I guess those who know me know how neurotic I can be. Anyway, I’m sure being normal is overrated…what’s the rush to get there? haha.

  4. July 10, 2008 8:19 am

    congrats!

    It’s funny as I read this I was thinking, “oh, it’s so not a big deal” but I would be reacting exactly the same way you are. I never told my ex about my blog, because I was nervous about it the same way you were.

    I told my current boyfriend about it on our second date, just to get it out of the way. I didn’t tell him the name of it, and he didn’t ask. I just said I kept an anonymous personal finance blog and he asked how I found the time. No big deal.

  5. July 10, 2008 9:13 am

    Hey that’s awesome! And pshaw, you’ve got a good crowd of readers and commenters around. Congrats on it going so well!

  6. July 10, 2008 9:25 am

    @Chicky – I may tell him what it is about sometime, even let him read it. There really isn’t anything secretive here. But I had enough problems just talking about its existence!

    @LMM – yeah, if I would have said something from the start, it would have been easier.

    @Revanche- well, maybe an ok crowd in the niche of 20somethings in the larger niche of pf. But I’m not like “Stuff White People Like” popular or anything

  7. July 10, 2008 9:43 am

    Wow. I’m so glad it worked out and you are feeling good about it. It can be so hard to let go of our secrets. I told my bf pretty soon after I started my blog, which I think made it a lot easier.

  8. July 10, 2008 10:34 am

    I told Chad about this blog almost right away. He doesn’t know about my more personal online diaries, but I figure he already knows most of the stuff I talk about anyway. He thinks it’s weird (“You write about what? And people actually read it?”), but accepts it as just another strange thing I do. (Other strange things I do include donating to charity, cleaning dishes, and handwashing laundry.) Maybe he’s just relieved I’m not role playing Harry Potter or something.

    I love the idea of the government monitoring our money-tracking habits. Somewhere, deep underground in a government tracking facility, someone is saying, “Damn, that purple hoodie is cute!”

  9. July 10, 2008 11:29 pm

    I think this whole post is GREAT!

    Just an honest question… is it THAT difficult to tell somebody about your blog? I mean, it’s not like you are doing anything illegal (Right, Stackingpennies?).

    πŸ™‚

    Actually, funny enough, I find myself a little reserved at times to tell anybody. What am I hiding?!

  10. July 11, 2008 3:50 pm

    @tship – No, it isn’t that difficult, or shouldn’t be! But it was for some reason, extremely so.

    @P.A – Hehe, i would like that gov’t job reading blogs.

    Actually, we heard on some radio show once about a guy not being allowed into Canada because he had done drugs at some point in his life and blogged about it. Still though….

    i think had we been living in close proximity at the time it started, I would have just told him. But it started out small and I thought it would die out… and it just never did.

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